on motherhood

this is from enjoying the small things -- pretty much my favorite blog ever. love the way she makes everything look like they are having the most fantastic time AND her way with words.

and it dawned on me...all these times we look forward to before we're mothers. the moments we think we'll feel like a mom--like park dates or proudly 'showing off' that wrapped little bundle, birthday parties and art projects...yes, they all define motherhood. and while i feel every bit of mamahood during those happy days, it's the not-so-right times that truly pull out of me the primal mama within. checking temperatures half-awake holding a warm head close. sweeping back tendrils of wispy hair from a hot cheek and kissing sad, heavy eyelids. feeling that painful pull on my heart when the ultrasound tech takes a second look at a questionable area. kissing her tiny helpless body under blue lights in the hospital. comforting her sickness. being needed. sacrificing anything and everything to make them both okay...these are the moments i feel my soul has been matched with its calling. where i know i'm doing exactly what i'm supposed to be doing. for a doctor, it might be the day they are published in the new england journal of medicine. a struggling politician, perhaps the moment they celebrate their election to office. but for me...my 'this is it' moments...they are witnessed by none and felt in the dark...when we're rocking quietly together and our souls are synched. in the middle of the day when everyone's at work, but i am happily glued to the couch, intertwined with my feverish girl. when i don't have all the answers and i don't know what to do...but i sure know how to love. that's when i feel it most. this mom thing. i don't know why or how or when...but i know so deeply how to be a mom because my soul was carved to be one and these littles fit in the hollow of those carved grooves...right in the place of my being that says 'mama.'
the rest, we'll figure out.